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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22877101">lost and cold but you love me still</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxleysbaby/pseuds/moxleysbaby'>moxleysbaby</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ballum, EastEnders (TV), EastEnders (TV) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, callum gets shot in this, i think thats it, its not canon, mentions of kathy and lexi and lola and stuart?, probably ooc but idk, relatively happy ending?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:55:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,754</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22877101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxleysbaby/pseuds/moxleysbaby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben didn’t know how exactly he had got here. He didn’t. There was too much rushing through his head as per usual that he had been running on autodrive. He had found Callum tied up and bleeding out on the floor of the abandoned warehouse. Skidding to a stop, Ben froze in shock of what he had just walked into before adrenaline kicked in and he began working on instinct.</p><p>Ripping his phone out of his pocket, he dialled the ambulance while dropping down to his knees, he picked up Callum’s head and laid it in his lap. Ben knew that he had to keep Callum awake. He had to keep him talking because that’s what Callum had done when Ben got shot so he just began to speak to him. </p><p>- the one where ben finally finds callum</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>lost and cold but you love me still</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i don't know how i feel about this fic but i hope you all like it! let me know what you think! x</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben didn’t know how exactly he had got here. He didn’t. There was too much rushing through his head as per usual that he had been running on autodrive. He had found Callum tied up and bleeding out on the floor of the abandoned warehouse. Skidding to a stop, Ben froze in shock of what he had just walked into before adrenaline kicked in and he began working on instinct.</p><p>Ripping his phone out of his pocket, he dialled the ambulance while dropping down to his knees, he picked up Callum’s head and laid it in his lap. Ben knew that he had to keep Callum awake. He had to keep him talking because that’s what Callum had done when Ben got shot so he just began to speak to him. </p><p>At first, he was talking about random things, just spouting out anything he could frantically think off. But when Callum started getting drowsy, he began to talk to Callum directly, “come on Callum, stay with me yeah?” Ben ran his finger through Callum’s hair, pushing it out of his face. </p><p>Callum musters up all the courage he possibly can to speak, “Ben.” The word is weak and barely audible but Ben couldn’t miss it. </p><p>“Yeah I’m here, I’m right here. You’re gonna be just fine alright? I’m gonna make sure of it! You’re gonna be just fine.” Ben wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince more, Callum or himself or rather both. It didn’t really matter because Callum was going to be fine. He had to be.</p><p>Despite Ben’s effort, Callum’s body was getting more and more exhausted. His eyes were getting heavier and he was losing the strength to keep them open. He coughs weakly before speaking again, “I love you, Ben. You know that don’t you? I love you so much.” </p><p>Ben knows exactly what Callum was doing and he wasn’t going to have it. He wasn’t going to let Callum say goodbye. “Stop that. Stop it right now. Don’t you dare say goodbye. You’re going to be fine alright?” </p><p>“I love you.” </p><p>Ben is sobbing by this point but nothing could stop him from saying his piece. “I love you too, I do and that’s exactly why you ain’t going nowhere alright?” Those are the last words that Callum hears as he loses consciousness and the howl of pain that Ben lets out is incomparable. </p><p>“Callum! You can’t do this. You can’t leave me. Not like this. I can’t go through this again.” Ben pounds his fist on the cold concrete as sobs echo through the warehouse. </p><p>Sirens can be heard faintly in the distance and Ben should feel some relief but he doesn’t. He couldn’t. Not until Callum was safe and healthy. Ben could feel himself slipping into the spiral of blaming himself and knocked himself out of it. He reminded himself that now was not the time to go around passing the blame. </p><p>The sirens came closer and Ben began shouting and waving his arm around to get their attention. He continued running his fingers through Callum’s hair and whispered, “you’re going to be alright now yeah? You have to be. For me.” Pressing a kiss to his forehead, Ben allowed the paramedics to take over with a small whisper, “please.”</p><p>-------------</p><p>Callum is rushed over to the hospital and Ben hasn’t let go of his hand the entire way. The fear that Ben feels, the pit in his stomach, he knows that he can’t possibly let go of Callum. He needs something to know that Callum will be okay. </p><p>The ride to the hospital feels like an eternity but the paramedics ask Ben to keep talking to Callum and he tries with all his might. He tries everything he can. Ben asks questions, rambles on about how much he missed Callum, how much he loves him, everything. But he never got to see if it worked because they soon arrived in the hospital and Callum was carted off to the operation table.</p><p>The surgery went on for forever and Ben could feel himself slowly losing his grip on reality as Kathy and Stuart and Jay joined him in the hospital. By the time the surgeon came out, Ben was at his wits end. Poor Kathy had tried to ground him but to no avail.</p><p>“H-how is he? Is he okay? Is he going to be okay?” Ben spitballed questions at the surgeon and it was only when Kathy laid a comforting hand on his shoulder that he took a deep breath and took a step back, muttering a soft apology. </p><p>“It’s alright son, I understand,” the surgeon empathised. “Callum suffered a GSW to his right leg but the surgery has gone well and lucky the bullet didn’t break apart in him so we were able to get it out. He’s getting some much-needed rest as you can understand so we can only allow visitors once he has woken up.”</p><p>“Please, can I just see him for a minute? Just for a minute? I won’t disturb him I just- I just need to see him.” Ben pleaded and the surgeon sympathised but he couldn’t allow it. </p><p>“I’m sorry. I really wish I could but I just can’t allow it. He really needs his rest.”</p><p>It was at this that pushed Ben too far. He couldn’t believe his ears. </p><p>“He needs me!! Can’t you understand that?! He’s all alone and he needs someone, he’s been alone for so long! He needs me! You have to let me go and see him, I need to see him!” Ben cried in anguish.</p><p>Ben began to shout and kick-off and the surgeon was about to get security when Jay held him back and pulled him away from the group. “I’m sorry, don’t call them, I’ll handle him.”</p><p>“If he kicks off again, I will call them!”</p><p>Jay dragged Ben over to the waiting area and sat him down. “Right mate, I know you want to see him, I know you do but you aren’t helping anyone by kicking off like that.” Ben rolled his eyes, despite knowing it was the truth. “It’s just gonna make things worse for you and the last thing Callum needs is you kicking off and making a scene and being kicked out of the hospital.”</p><p>“I just- I just want to see him. I need to see him. There’s so much I need to say to him. Please!” Ben was pleading at this point and Jay really felt for his brother in that moment. </p><p>“I know you do but you’re no good to him if you get kicked out the hospital, are you? And he’s gonna need you to be there for him. He’s gonna need you to hold it together for him and be strong alright?”</p><p>“But it’s my fault. Can’t you see that?! None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t got back together with him! He would’ve been safe, at home!” Ben was near his breaking point. </p><p>“Right, this is hardly the time to go around passing the blame but if you are, this is all on Keanu alright? Not you, Keanu. He’s the one that took Callum, he’s the one that shot him. You didn’t do any of that so you ain’t got time for this pity party. You need to get your head right and you need to do it soon.”</p><p>Ben knew that Jay was speaking the truth, no matter how much it might’ve stung to hear it at first. He was still going out of his mind but at least he was trying to keep a grip on things now. It was a couple of hours after that they were allowed to go in and see Callum and Ben practically sprinted to his room. He skidded to a stop once he saw that Callum was still asleep but he couldn’t help but go and hold his hand, rubbing his thumb and relishing in the touch no matter how minimal. </p><p>He sat down in the chair, shuffling it closer to the bed Callum lay in so that he wouldn’t have to let go of his hand. Ben wasn’t letting Callum out of his sight now. Not even for a second. He couldn’t bear it and how could he when the man he loves is in the state he is? </p><p>He didn’t realise when it happened but the relief of seeing Callum allowed Ben to relax just enough to fall asleep hunched over in his chair with their hands still clutching and Ben’s head resting gently on top. </p><p>When Callum wakes up with a weight hanging off his arm, he’s a little confused. Forcing his heavy eyes open, he blinks a couple of times before looking around and taking in his surroundings. When he turns to his left, he locates the source of the weight and sees his boyfriend resting beside him. A gentle smile, that hurts more than it should, crosses Callum’s face and he can’t help himself as he watches his boyfriend beside him. </p><p>Callum wants to wake Ben up but he looks so peaceful and he couldn’t bring himself to disturb what he knows is some much needed rest. While he waits for Ben to wake up, he tries to remember how he got there. He knew what had happened with Keanu and he remembered Ben coming to save him. But he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that there was something missing, that there was something he couldn’t remember. </p><p>Until he did. </p><p>The words were barely there in his memory and they could’ve been easily missed if Callum didn’t think long and hard about what he had missed but now, now he couldn’t get them out of his head or his heart. He needed to hear them properly. In a way that he could remember every single piece of the moment. </p><p>It didn’t take long till Ben was stirring next to him, blinking heavily, he rubbed his eyes and immediately cursed himself as he remembered he was still wearing his contacts. “Fuck,” Callum smirked as he realised that Ben didn’t know he was even awake yet. There was no way he would pass up the opportunity to get one over on Ben for once. In the most loving way of course!</p><p>“So you love me huh?” Callum croaked, before clearing his throat and getting his voice back.</p><p>Ben’s head snapped up so fast, he would definitely have whiplash before his face softens at the realisation that Callum was awake. Any snappy comment he had, melted on his tongue. The smile that graced Ben’s face was unlike any other. It was one filled with relief and joy and an abundance of love. But it was also soft, Callum rarely saw Ben like this. </p><p>“Wasn’t sure you’d heard that…” Ben trailed off, shifting his gaze to their hands, still clutching tightly to each other, squeezing gently. </p><p>“Ya kiddin’? It was the only thing that kept me going. The only thing that kept me fighting, even when I was giving up on myself.”</p><p>Groaning as he stood up and his joints cracked at being contorted in the barely comfortable chair, Ben leaned over to press a soft kiss to Callum’s lips. He tried not to put too much weight on Callum, not knowing exactly where he was hurt. </p><p>Ben pressed a couple more pecks onto Callum’s lips before moving away and sitting back down but never once letting go of his hand. He needed to have some form of contact with Callum to keep himself grounded. </p><p>Dropping his gaze, before muttering quietly into the air, “I love you.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to their joined hands. Callum could see the redness blossoming over Ben’s cheeks and he found it so endearing that Ben was going all shy on him after all that they’d been through together. </p><p>Using his spare hand, without groaning in pain too much, Callum lifted Ben’s face up so that he could look Ben square in the eye and leave no room for doubt when he spoke. “I love you too Ben. You know I do.” </p><p>The shy smile that crossed Ben’s face before breaking into a full grin was the best thing Callum had seen. He loved to see his boyfriend so happy. They kept looking into eachothers eyes, noticing little speckles of different colours mixed in their irises and freckles that they hadn’t noticed were there before. But the frown lines that creased Ben’s face didn’t seem to loosen up.</p><p>Callum was the first to break the moment. He let go of Ben’s hand and ran his thumb through the lines on Ben’s forehead. “Not that I don’t love seeing you and having you with me right now, because I do but Ben you should really get home and get some rest. You look like you need it.”</p><p>Of course, Ben would never take him seriously, “you sayin’ I look like shit?”</p><p>“No course I ain’t, if anyone’s looking like shit it’s me!” Callum hadn’t realised what he said until he said it and he saw Ben’s face drop ever so slightly before a smaller smile was plastered back on. Like putting papier mache over cracks. </p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that Ben. You know I didn’t.”</p><p>Ben’s voice dropped a few decibels, “like what? You’re here because of me Callum. I’m the reason that you’re sitting here in this hospital, so no. I’m not leaving you for even a second. I can’t- Not ag-” Ben cut himself off as his voice cracked but the implication was there. Callum knew what he meant. He meant that he wouldn’t let himself have another life taken because of him and his actions and Callum couldn’t help but wonder how Ben had managed to blame himself. </p><p>“That’s funny. I don’t remember seeing you holding me in some warehouse with no food or shooting me in the leg. So unless you made Keanu do those things, I don’t see how you’ve managed to blame yourself. </p><p>“Yeah, but it is on me isn’t it? I’m the reason Keanu has come after you in the first place Callum! Surely you can see that!”</p><p>“Ben, what you did, or tried to have done to Keanu wasn’t right and I don’t agree with it. You know I don’t but what happened to me is because of Keanu. He’s a grown man and this is his responsibility to take. It is on him.” </p><p>He wished he could believe Callum but Ben knew the truth. This really was all on him so instead of arguing back and forth, he decided to change the topic. “Lexi’s been wanting to see you, was thinkin’ I could get Lo and Jay to bring her round tomorrow, if you’re up for it!”</p><p>Callum could see the defence mechanism a mile away and he wished for the power to make Ben believe him. It was the truth. No one had made Keanu do any of the things he did to Callum, they were done on his own accord. He wouldn’t let Ben keep thinking that it was his fault but he also knew that at this point, when things were so fresh, there was no convincing Ben of any of this. So momentarily, Callum let the topic go and bit Ben’s bait.</p><p>“Yeah, course! I’d love to see her! All of them!” The smile Callum gave wasn’t quite as bright as it was before. His mind ran with thoughts as to how he could convince Ben to believe that this wasn’t his fault but none stuck around long enough to become coherent. </p><p>A calloused hand with a gentle touch on his cheek brought him out of his thoughts, “where’d ya go just then? Not getting bored of me already, are ya?”</p><p>The painful laugh that bubbled out was one Callum couldn’t help because he had no idea how delusional Ben must’ve been to think he was getting bored with him. But once again, Callum could hear the slight waver in Ben’s teasing tone, the insecurity poked its head through the tiny crack. Anyone else might have missed it but Callum knew his boyfriend. He knew where his mind was at and didn’t hesitate to reassure him. </p><p>Once again, looking at Ben straight in the eyes, Callum spoke, “never. Could never get bored of ya.” Then he did that weird wink which was really just a blink and the tension in the room gave way slightly to a warmer feeling.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://moxleysbaby.tumblr.com/">@moxleysbaby on tumblr</a>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://mitchellandhighway.tumblr.com/">@mitchellandhighway on tumblr</a>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://twitter.com/callumhiqhway">@callumhiqhway on twitter</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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